just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Enjoy the penises
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
