this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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