In America we eat man semen.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
