I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
