just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize