mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
