So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
