Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize