i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
