so explain again why im purple
no
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
