some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
