Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
