Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
