TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
