Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
