How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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