saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
