You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
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