alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
