Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
