I will die if light touches me.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How does one acquire holy water?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
