You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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