Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
