Betty ford says i'm here all night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
