jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
