dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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