Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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