i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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