He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
