This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
