does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
