so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
