Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
