she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
