is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
