I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
