he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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