I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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