Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
