i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
