My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
zippers are such a cool invention
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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