i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize