At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize