you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
