I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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