my phone needs a breathalizer
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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