New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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