Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
