oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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