I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
