five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
