I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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