meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
