Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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