I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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