Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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