a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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