so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
