I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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